It's Been a While

Blogging has not been my thing this month. I've had several drafts written in Word or in my head, but they never made their way here. I guess they just weren't that important. Mostly I thought better of them before I aired them to the public - probably for the best. A couple of wonderful mommy-blogger posts sent me flailing to a place that not one of my dear readers should ever have to go - boldly or otherwise.

I met with my therapist this past Wednesday. I toyed with the idea of canceling. I'm too [something] for being introspective - at least about those things that matter. I'm glad that I was too lazy to call 24 hours in advance. I sent an email on August 7th about a very interesting opportunity. Ever since I pressed Send, I've been compulsive about checking my email. My eating habits have gone straight to hell. I'm biting my finger nails down to the quick again. I haven't done that since Emma's first birthday. Intermingled, Danny has been sick for about two weeks now. The stress took an unfortunate toll on my GI track on Monday. In the midst of my session - out of no where - I mentioned that the prospect of this opportunity is so incredible. I said that I should be excited, not full of anxiety - but I don't feel comfortable being excited or euphoric. What? Did I say that? It is a truth about me. There are times when I get this (dare I say) orgasmic feeling in my chest and throughout my arms, hands and fingers when I am exceptionally happy. I don't know what to do with that feeling. I want them to go away. After some questions asked to nail down whether I'm manic (not), she asked me if this could in some way relate back to my upbringing or my Catholic faith. I honestly can't say for certain. It's just sad that I am fine with experiencing my feelings when I'm at rock bottom, I'm uncomfortable being on a high. I suppose I'd make a lousy drug addict. Isn't it nice that there's always an upside? Ha!

I'm sure this comes as no surprise to people who know that I can hardly take Christmas Eve, that I like to open my birthday presents as soon as the clock strikes midnight, that not knowing the sex of a child, neice or nephew or his or her potential names drives me crazy. Anticipation is a killer - which reminds me... I hate waiting on new releases from my favorite bands. Thank God for YouTube! So, in the future, I'd like to request that all y'all be kind to me. Don't do anything that would require me to live any longer than I need to in a state of anticipation. Find out if your baby is going to be a boy or girl. If said baby is stubborn (been there, done that), contact a radio guest psychic and/or get that 4D ultrasound at 29 weeks. Both ended up right in my case - the part the psychic said about seeing tattoos in her creamy cup of coffee is the only part that remains a mystery. Anyway, if that doesn't work, at least tell me what names you have picked out. You'll be saving my fingernails, saving my poor, poor tummy and saving me from those dreadful feelings of euphoria when the big event happens. You know who you are...

So I've been a tad more anxious lately than I care to be. That being said, I'm much more comfortable in that anxiety than I was before therapy and medication. What I really need to do is find ways to relax and let go. During my session I identified a few things I already know that have a soothing effect on me - I just never thought of using them like this. The Joshua Tree by U2 and jigsaw puzzles. They work well for me in tandem and alone. When a close friend died my junior year of high school, I spent all of my non-school time listening to that CD and working a jigsaw puzzle. Once the puzzle was completed, I felt better. There was once a time that I could virtually listen to that CD in my head. Just tuning the world out and "listening" to the opening of the CD version of Where the Streets Have No Name takes me to a much better place. I'd like to think that this is what I'll hear while I'm taking my last breath and starting my journey on the other side. Other things are taking walks by myself, scrapbooking (Last Sunday I finished my goal of getting Emma and Allison's scrapbooks complete from January 06 - through Easter. From here on out, I'm catching up to today,), snuggling with Emma or Allison, and talking with close friends do the trick as well. One suggestion that my therapist made was trying Yoga. I'm going to look in to that. Hopefully it's not too expensive. If you've tried it before, let me know what you think.

I am sending a follow up email about the opportunity that has triggered my anxiety tomorrow. I'm hoping for some kind or response to put me out of my misery. If not, I'll be spending a lot of quality time with Bono and perhaps that jigsaw puzzle that I've always been meaning to get started on...