Monday, January 08, 2007

Cramming 24 Days into 1 Post

What a busy holiday season! Although I didn’t have as much to do at the last minute as I have in the past, I don’t feel like Danny or I have been able to rest since the weekend of Thanksgiving. Today I feel weary and I know that I won’t find any relief any time soon.

I really shouldn’t even mention being tired. My family has been quite blessed this Christmas. The girls, especially Emma, were really excited about Christmas. I wondered how Emma would do with not getting everything on her list, but she never mentioned anything about those wishes that didn’t end up under the tree. It didn’t hurt that the Barbie Jeep that E. and Grandma and Grandpa B sent to her arrived Christmas Eve. Even though I thought we were giving up in frustration at 1 am Christmas morning, Danny soldiered ahead ~ surprising us all when we saw that adorable purple machine sitting next to the fireplace. We had a lot of fun that morning watching the girls as they bee bopped to the tunes from the functioning radio and simulated Barbie CD. Too cute.

There were parts of the holiday when I felt that the inmates were running the asylum. At least a week before Christmas Emma and Allison went absolutely nuts. Although things have gotten better, I still don’t think that I’ve charged my patience battery completely back to a full charge yet. I think that’s part of the reason why I’ve been feeling somewhat down over the past few weeks. You picture Christmas as a wonderful experience for everyone where patience isn’t needed. It wasn’t for me and I feel badly about it. Also, I’ve had to change my meds because the XR versions were moved up to the most expensive drug tier in my plan. If I didn’t move to the twice daily generics, I’d be paying double for them right now. It’s been about three weeks now and I still haven’t found a workable way to remember to take my second dose.

Allison came down with strep throat last week. Thankfully, it happened before we were forced to cancel our holiday get together with Emma’s birth family. Unfortunately, Danny spending Friday off with the girls meant that we spent Friday night and Saturday morning in a cleaning, shopping, and preparation frenzy. I can’t speak for Danny, but I was exhausted before they arrived. It was a great visit nonetheless. It was such a joy to share our home with E. and Grandma and Grandpa B. They were extremely complimentary of our house and my decorating (or lack there of in my opinion). The Crowd Pleaser platter from Heavenly Ham was simply perfect. We were all full and happy all afternoon. They enjoyed watching the girls open up their presents. They got Emma this amazing doll that was crafted to look like her. It took Emma a while to warm up to it, but she has spent many hours dressing and undressing it ever since. She doesn’t want to sleep with it in her bed, but she loved it when I laid a pillow down next to her and covered “Emma” up. E loved her Destiny Day t-shirts that I had made for her and Emma. The charm for her bracelet this year was a star fish to commemorate Emma’s first trip to the ocean in 2006. It’s funny that the visions I had of that charm bracelet when I first got the idea are so different than the reality (I gave the bracelet and a butterfly charm to E for our first Christmas. The butterfly means new life and each year I add a charm to signify a major milestone or event in Emma’s life). I like it even better the way that it is evolving.

E and Emma had a lot of one on one time Saturday. I wanted it that way. They played outside a lot because it was in the mid-sixties (what’s up with this winter?). They played with Emma’s Play Dough and they made a something out of Emma’s Christmas beads for E to take home. I watched them play together and I was so happy that Emma and E will have memories like this to hold in their hearts forever. I’m glad that they will always have a relationship together. I’m 16 years older than E. There will come a time when I’m not here to be with Emma anymore. What a joy it is that Emma will not be without a mother when that day comes.

For whatever reason, today has been an icky day. The blue feelings I’ve been having on and off over Christmas are pretty strong today. I’m tired and have been fighting a headache on and off. Nick’s last day was Friday, so it was weird coming into work to find his desk empty. If that’s not sad enough, Jeanne, my best buddy at work, will be celebrating her last day here on Wednesday. She’s accepted a position in her field in D.C. I’m thrilled for her, but I’ll miss seeing her every day and day dreaming about stamping and home made cards with her. Sometimes I feel like making a new friend here is a sign to them that they will be leaving the area.

This coming weekend I’m traveling home to Grand Rapids for Trent’s baptism. I’m cashing in a free ticket I earned in October. Although there is no place I would rather be, it’s going to be a long weekend on top of a long month. I leave here at 7:05 and have a layover in Philadelphia before arriving in Detroit just before noon. Rob is going to pick me up at the airport and drive me in to GR. I’ll spend some time with family and then I think I’m going to spend the night at the newly renovated Hotel [censored]. The baptism is at 11. After a small celebration afterwards, Rob is driving me back to Detroit. My plane back home leaves at 5:30. I should actually get home around 11 Sunday night. It will be wonderful to see everyone but I’m not sure how I’ll function the next morning.

Okay. I’ve beaten around the bush long enough. A major catalyst for feeling down in the dumps is my weight. It keeps going up and my friends and family at home are sure to notice. There won’t be any “you look great”s to meet me. I’ve been thinking about this since Thanksgiving. Instead of prompting me to get back in the saddle, I’ve just kept eating. With the New Year, although I wasn’t going to make any New Year’s Resolutions, I decided that a new year would be my new beginning. Monday through Thursday were great days. I walked twice and stayed on program. Friday, I was full of guilt because I wasn’t the one home with the girls. I knew that it was the last day with Nick. We were in a time crunch to get things done around the house for our guests. Had there been no temptation anywhere, I would have been fine. Nick brought donuts in. ‘Nuff said. Saturday and Sunday followed the same slippery slope to fatdome. I’m working the plan again today, but there’s no joy in it. Just a lot of negative thoughts and feelings of dread when I come face to face with Grand Rapids a size larger.

It hit me this morning that I’m always planning to lose X by Y. What I really need to do is figure out what I really want with the rest of my life. When I joined Weight Watchers in May of 2003, I knew I had a long way to go, but I wasn’t concerned with how long it took me to get there. There’s something to that. I’m going to try to focus on things to look forward to instead of dread. I still want to be an active mother for my children. I want to have an 80th birthday party with my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. I want to feel comfortable tying my shoes, walking up and down stairs (my knees are really starting to hurt), bending over, and playing on the floor. I want to spend my days thinking about ways to improve my life and the lives of my family and friends instead of obsessing over the 2,0349,830 ways there might be to lose 20 pounds in 10 days. I experienced the contentment and confidence that accompanied treating myself with kindness and respect when Emma was an infant and toddler. I don’t have to be perfect to return to that place. After all, I wasn’t perfect then. You have to start somewhere. I have the power to do that. With Weight Watchers, I have the tools to do that. I know from past experience that when I put my heart into it that I can do it and that I enjoy doing it. I don’t have to be perfect to get healthy and to start feeling better. I just have to have the proper attitude. I need to trust and have faith in myself. I might not have that right now, but I can fake it until I do. As my dad might say ~ if I can’t dazzle myself with my brilliance, I can blind myself with my bullshit. And if there is anything my family is good at, it’s bullshit. I’ve got to love that about us.

I ordered two new outfits from JC Penney for my trip this weekend. I may not be the size I want to be, but I’m going to look my very best. I will hold my head high and strut my stuff in my new corduroy pants and jacket with the coordinating silk shell when I walk off the plane. I will present myself well as Trent’s devoted godmother in my new black and white herringbone skirt with the lavender mock turtleneck sweater and matching jacket. I am a good and beautiful person. For once, I’m going to act that way. The way I feel right this minute, I might not even have to fake it.


Trista said...

I can't wait to stay up late talking to you about everything that's been going on when you come to visit. And I can't wait to see your new outfits.

I love you, sister.

Amy T. S. said...

I'm seriously thinking about a charm bracelet for Erik's birthmom. Her birthday is coming up in May. She doesn't have my blog address, but I post pictures for her on myspace. I'm not crazy about myspace, but it works for us.

Happy New Year!

Jennifer said...

Amy, I think you will really be happy if you decide to give a charm bracelet for Erik's birthmother. I happen to buy the new charm each Christmas, but her birthday is an appropriate day, too. I enjoy thinking about the year at the jewlery store when I pick out each new charm. When Emma gets old enough, I want to make it a special trip each year. I thought it would be something tangible for E to have of Emma's life.

I haven't thought about MySpace, but that isn't a bad way to keep in touch. I haven't given my blog address to Emma's birthfamily, either. Even in an open adoption, each member needs some privacy. It's not that I write anything I wouldn't want them to read, though.

I hope that you have a wonderful first Christmas as a family. Erik is gorgeous and you are so blessed! I hope that your relationship with his birthfamily remains strong.