In the Blahs

The weather today is so gorgeous – 70’s and sunny. Who could ask for anything better than that in mid-March? Me. I want to fit back in to last summer’s clothes and there’s just no way that it happening now. I was so excited to put my crop jeans on today that I could barely wait to get out of the shower. It didn’t even occur to me that they wouldn’t fit. I’ve lost almost 11 pounds. I stepped into those jeans as happy as can be until they reached my hips and wouldn’t go much further. It wasn’t until then that I fully realized how much I’d let myself go over the last year. I’ve got at least 10 more pounds to lose just to get back into those jeans. I have another 15 to lose after that before I get back to my lowest post-pregnancy weight. I can’t believe I let myself get back to this place. I feel fat and upset. Instead of burying all that in food, I’m going to just let myself feel these feelings today. They don’t make me feel great, but they aren’t ending my world, either. I won't go to bed tonight beating myself up because I binged. I need to learn to handle those kinds of feelings just as healthfully as stress. After all, I had a similar reaction after Allison was born. I thought for certain that I could fit into my very first pair of Old Navy jeans. They were two sizes too big for me at the time that I got pregnant. They stopped in the same place on my hips. I didn’t let that get the best of me then. It drove me to get back into shape. Some of the sorrow I feel right now is because I let all the hard work I put into my body after Allison was born pretty much go to hell. Why did I use most of Allison’s napping moments to exercise and then just flush that down the toilet? I guess because I lost my sense of balance and direction. I forgot what my real priorities are. I want to be healthy to be a good example to my kids. I want to lose weight and feel good. I want to look good and I enjoy getting complimented. I don’t want to eat myself into oblivion. I want to live.

I will lose those extra 10 pounds and then I will then lose the last 15. I think that I’ve just established my next two goals! This hasn’t been all for nothing like I was telling myself this morning. I needed to learn that bad habits are never very far away. I needed to learn better ways to manage stress and uncomfortable feelings. I truly needed this time of backslide. Without it, I would have reached my goal weight and gotten all cocky. I know myself. This would have happened. For me, being skinny and cocky would lead back to being fat and miserable again. No thanks. I’m better off the way things are today – even 25 pounds in the hole.

Funny… I don’t feel so upset anymore.